


Noel

by BlazingStarInInkyBlackness



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amputation, Bipolar Disorder, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Multi, Past Infidelity, Polyamory Negotiations, Self-Harm, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-13 18:51:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12990345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness/pseuds/BlazingStarInInkyBlackness
Summary: Thomas Jefferson can't maintain a romantic relationship. To be fair, he hasn't tried in years, far too busy with everything else going on. But when his friend (with benefits) James Madison asks him to be his fake boyfriend for Christmas Thomas may have bitten off more than he can chew.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a friends with benefits fake dating au. I wanna explore the way this dynamic is underrepresented in the works I've read because the trope tends to dictate so much distance between the friends.  
> Anyway, there will be humor and sadness and an awful lot of sadness tbh. I haven't actually finished writing this yet so updates are uncertain but should be finished before the New Year.

Thomas slowly blinked his eyes open. He glanced at the clock next to him and smiled as he realised it was the weekend, no need to get up. He closed his eyes again and attempted to pull the duvet further over him. It was blocked by something and he groaned.

“Move over.” Thomas muttered. The other man in his bed mumbled something back and Thomas groaned. “Move.”

“No.”

“You’re hogging the duvet.”

“’s my bed.”

“You’re shorter. You need less.”

“No. Mine.”

Thomas cracked one eye open at that. The man was holding the duvet tightly and even though he was spooning into Thomas he had wrapped his other side with the duvet.

“You need to get up anyway.” Thomas said quietly.

“Why?”

“You’re late for work.”

That was all it took for the man to sit bolt upright. Thomas grabbed the duvet that he released and tucked it tightly around himself. The man stared at the clock before turning to glare at Thomas.

“It’s Saturday.”

“Tough luck, Jemmy. Mine now.” Thomas curled into the duvet and refused to budge. James stared down at him for several long moments before he shook his head in astonishment.

“You’re such an asshole.”

“Love you too, Jemmy.”

“Don’t call me that.” James muttered, knowing that there was no winning that argument. He stretched and winced as his arm tingled. He took in a sharp breath which made Thomas snap his head to him.

“You okay?”

“It’s going to rain soon.”

“I still think that’s a myth.” Thomas stood and made his way to James’ side table. He opened the drawers and began to pull out boxes of pills. He counted them out carefully before he offered them to his friend. James smiled.

“Thanks.”

“Do you need any painkillers?”

“No, I don’t think so. Not- not yet, anyway. I want to enjoy today.”

“I’m here, how could you not enjoy it?”

“I didn’t-”

“Well, seeing as your overdramatic stump decided to wake up both,”

“Actually-”

“Let’s see what’s in the kitchen.”

“Thomas-” James paused and Thomas turned to him. James shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“Does it bug you?”

“What?”

“Does it bug you when I call it a stump?”

“Well it’s not much of an arm, is it?”

Thomas glanced at James’ left arm which was indeed little more than a stump. It ended a few inches below his shoulder.

“Does it bother you?”

“No. I promise.”

“Okay.” Thomas smiled. “Now come on, we’re got breakfast to make.”

 

It didn’t take a genius, after inspecting the inside of the kitchen, to realise they weren’t going to be able to cook a meal.

“How do you have this little food?” Thomas asked, aghast, as he rifled through another empty cupboard. James shrugged.

“I’ve been working nights with Hamilton. He keeps bad hours.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to.” Thomas scowled at James who just smiled back.

“Yes, mom.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“Do?”

“You have a guest in your house and nothing to feed them.” Thomas shrugged. “What are you going to do?”

James stared at Thomas for a moment before he sighed.

“Get changed and we’ll go grab some food.”

 

“So you’ve been working with Hamilton?” Thomas asked, out of nowhere. James had to pause for a moment as his brain caught up.

“Uh, yeah. Washington needed us to work together for a bit and with everything that’s happening with Eliza and John he kinda needs a break, you know?”

“Oh, the poor lamb.” Thomas said sarcastically. “His true love returned from the dead and now he has to choose.”

“Thomas-”

“You expect me to feel sorry for him?” Thomas snapped. “His husband returns from the dead and-” He broke off and took a deep breath. James watched as Thomas’ right hand went to his left ring finger and began to play with the wedding ring.

“Sorry.” James muttered. Thomas shook his head and bit down hard on his lip.

“Hamilton seems to win once more.”

“He-” James paused and tried to think of something he could say. “I’m sorry.”

Thomas glanced at him at that. He seemed to realise that James wasn’t apologising for his own short fallings anymore. He was apologising for the universe’s. Thomas nodded sharply and stared down at his hand.

“It’s not your fault.” Thomas seemed to leave that sentence hanging, as if only half complete.

 

By the time the two were back at James’ house Thomas had returned to his normal self, sharp smiles and a quick tongue.

He quickly set about making two bowls of cereal while James flicked through the newspaper he’d bought. A comfortable silence fell over the two of them as they worked. It was eventually broken by James’ laugh.

“What is it?” Thomas asked, coming to stand behind him. He rested his chin on top of James’ head and stared down at the newspaper.

“They think we’re a couple.”

“What?” Thomas asked in surprise. He grabbed the newspaper and examined it. “Thomas Jefferson and James Madison have been seen leaving work together on several occasions, often in the same car. What could this spell for their futures?”

“What do we do?”

“Nothing. We ignore it all. Until they can get solid evidence then they have nothing.” Thomas put the newspaper down. “Anyway, we’re not dating so what does it matter?”

“And being fuck buddies doesn’t count?”

“That’s such an ugly word.” Thomas sighed. “It’s not as complicated as that, just nice and simple.”

“I’m not asking for our agreement to change, Thomas. I wouldn’t.”

“You’re still happy?”

“I’m more happy now than I can remember being for a long time.” James smiled as he stared at Thomas.

“It’s nice to let off steam.” Thomas turned as he spoke and didn’t see how James’ face fell ever so slightly. “And- and it’s nice to not be alone at this time of year.”

“Well, I’m only ever a phone call away.”


	2. Chapter 2

Thomas stared at the clock on the wall before he glanced back down at James’ seat. It was still empty. He drummed his long fingers against the table and pulled his phone out. He quickly typed out a message.

To: Jemmy

Whr r u?

The phone didn’t respond and Thomas scowled down at it. He went to send another message but before he could, Washington entered the room. Silence fell immediately as everyone around the table waited for Washington to speak.

“Good evening everyone, I’d like to thank you for joining me.” Washington paused and stared around the table. His gaze fell on James’ empty chair and he frowned. “Where is James?”

Thomas didn’t say a word, he had nothing to contribute after all.

“Thomas?” Washington asked. “Do you know where he is?”

“No idea. I haven’t seen him today.”

“He finally see sense and leave you then?” Alexander asked. Washington turned to reprimand him but before he could, Thomas spoke.

“Well at least he didn’t have to develop amnesia just to be free of me.”

Alexander stood at that and all sense of smallness was gone in an instant.

“What did you just say?” Alexander growled out. Thomas stared at his neck where he could see a simple chain peeking out. He knew, as did anyone who spent time around the man, that on the end of that chain was a just as simple golden ring. A golden ring all too similar to the one on Alexander’s ring finger.

“Does it matter?” Thomas asked, staring up at Alexander looking almost bored.

“I won’t have you saying stuff like that about John!” Alexander half shouted. “I don’t bring up your wife!” In an instant, Thomas was on his feet. He strode forwards until Alexander had no option other than to step back. When Alexander was against the wall Thomas paused.

“Don’t you fucking dare, Hamilton.” Thomas whispered. Alexander glared up and opened his mouth for a rebuke but then there were hands on Thomas, pulling him back. He moved back and looked into the angry eyes of Washington.

“If you two can’t be civil then neither of you can attend these meetings!” Washington hissed out. Alexander looked down, half ashamed. Thomas forced his expression to remain blank. “Both of you, get home.”

“Sir-”

“Home, Alexander. I will not have you spending all night here again.” Washington ordered. Alexander set his chin mulishly but nodded. The two left the room together. When the door swung closed Alexander paused.

“Thomas I-” Alexander sighed. “I didn’t mean- I wasn’t-”

“Go home, Hamilton.” Thomas spat out. “See who gets to sleep on the couch tonight.”

“You’re fucking impossible.” Alexander scoffed. “I don’t know what the hell James sees in you.”

“Have a fantastic night.” Thomas drawled out. Alexander continued to stare at him and Thomas felt the back of his neck prickling. “Maybe one of them might even decide to forgive you for moving on.”

Before Alexander could say a word, Thomas had turned on his heel and he was striding away. He paused in James’ office and pulled out everything he needed.

 

“James. James!” Thomas knocked on James’ door and waited. He’d left his keys at the office in his hurry to leave. “I know you’re in there! Fucking open the door!” Thomas yelled. He didn’t care that other people were beginning to stare.

It felt like an eternity but eventually the door swung open to reveal James. He looked ruffled and he was clutching his arm as if it was hurting him. The two stared at each other for several long moments before James spoke. It sounded as if he’d been crying moments before.

“What do you want?”

“You didn’t turn up for work today.” Thomas said softly. James shrugged and stared down at his feet. “James-”

“I felt sick, okay?”

“You felt depressed.” Thomas corrected quietly. James scoffed and shook his head, finally meeting Thomas’ gaze.

“You don’t get to diagnose me.”

“And if I looked at your arm?”

James paused and looked away from Thomas. The man sighed.

“Please, let me in.”

“I don’t want to.” James said softly.

“I can tell you about how I nearly punched Hamilton.”

“You what?”

“He had it coming. He implied we were together.” Thomas stepped into the house, James moving aside as he did.

“You can’t- you can’t do dumb stuff like that, Thomas.”

“He’ll get over it.”

“Thomas-”

“Look, I got your meds and some first aid stuff. I ordered a take out to come here which should arrive in about half an hour. What’s there to lose?”

“Please don’t freak.” James whispered. Thomas nodded slowly. James sucked in a breath and pulled up his sleeve. Thomas bit down on his lip to avoid making a noise. James’ stump was bloodied and messy, covered with thin lines Thomas knew had to be self-inflicted. Thomas nodded slowly and gestured to the sofa. James sunk down and Thomas sat down next to him.

“Tell me if it hurts.”

“Isn’t that the point?” James asked, voice rough. Thomas paused before he began to dab at the injuries. As he wiped more blood away he began to see the cuts themselves. None of them were deep enough to be worrying and he had remembered antibacterial spray so he shouldn’t be worried about infection.

What he was worried about was James.

“So your meds aren’t working.” Thomas said softly. James nodded slowly as he pulled his sleeve back down. “Were you gonna tell me that?”

“No.”

“James-”

“They- they do work.” James whispered. “But I don’t. I don’t take them.”

“Oh.”

“I hate them, Thomas! I just-”

“And all those times I give them to you?”

“I spit them out as soon as I can. It’s not worth it. I- I can’t do it.”

“It’s not worth it?”

“It feels like I’m a zombie.” James whispered. “Or- or I’m already dead. They make me feel like…” James trailed off.

“That means they’re not working. And you just need to try a new dose or- or a new set of drugs and-”

“There isn’t another set. There isn’t a new dose.”

“Bullshit. We’ve put men on the moon. You’re not fucking being beaten by bipolar.”

“Thomas-”

“No. I refuse.”

“You can’t force it.”

“No but I can be here.”

“And if that’s not enough?”

“I’ll make it be enough.” Thomas snarled out. James stared at him for several long moments and if Thomas didn’t know better he would have said James was a few seconds away from kissing him.

Then the doorbell rang and the moment was gone. Thomas let out a breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding and stood to collect the takeaway. When he returned, James was staring off into the middle distance, clutching his stump of an arm close to his body. Thomas sank down next to him and James leant against him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know how I said this would finish up around abouts New Years? Yeah... not gonna happen. It'll finish but idk when

**From: Jemmy**

**We need to meet. It’s urgent**

**To: Jemmy**

**???**

**From: Jemmy**

**Please Thomas**

**To: Jemmy**

**Whr?**

**From: Jemmy**

**The café half twelve?**

**To: Jemmy**

**K c u thr**

 

James sat at the café table, staring into the coffee in front of him. He could feel his breathing speeding up as thought threatened to overcome him. His hand was shaking and he didn’t trust himself to take even a sip of the coffee.

“Hey.” Thomas said softly from above him. James glanced up and smiled.

“I- I didn’t see you there.”

“That’s okay.” Thomas sank into the seat opposite James and took his hand, stopping the tremors. “What’s up?”

“I can’t stay in DC this winter.”

“Oh. Why not?”

“My- my brother had a kid and my mom won’t take no for an answer, I have to go visit.”

“How many years has it been since you were up there? I don’t remember you ever-”

“Five years.” James admitted quietly. Thomas let out a sigh at that.

“Is there a reason?”

“I- it got awkward. Too awkward. Every conversation turned into who I was dating and who I was going to date and- and how I was going to be too old soon. So I just- I just stopped.”

“Okay. I don’t understand though, why are you telling me this?”

“Thomas, I’m sorry but I- I need a date.”

“Okay?”

“And I may have- I may have told them I’m dating you.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Thomas asked, staring at James in amazement.

“It was- one time I was on a video call and- and my mom saw your shirt in the background. I told whose it was and-”

“How long ago was that?”

“Three years? It was just-”

“Never important?” Thomas sighed. “Wow.”

“It wouldn’t mean anything, I promise. We’d just be friends and nothing would change.”

“Just friends that occasionally fuck, eh?” Thomas grinned before he nodded. “Okay, I’ll play along.”

“Thank you. Thank you so much.” James let out a long breath and hung his head. Thomas scoffed quietly.

“You were stressed about this, weren’t you?”

“Of course I was.”

“Are your family homophobic?”

“No, not- not much, anyway.”

“Not much?”

“My cousins might be but my main family- they know who I am. They accept me. In all my-” James glanced down at his missing arm “In all my glory.”

“Just as they should.”

“Thanks.”

“Okay, when do we leave?”

“Um next week?”

“Anything I should know about your family?”

“Not- not really. It’s a normall enough family. Maybe a bit- maybe a bit odd?”

“Do they know how you lost your arm?”

“Yeah. They know.”

“They know it was a car accident or-”

“It’s a small town, Thomas. They know it was a- a suicide attempt.” James stared down at his hand at that. He looked guilty. Thomas sighed and took his hand.

“You were depressed. It’s not your fault.”

“You’ve been depressed. You never-” James broke off.

“We’re not the same person, James. I don’t want to put my fot in my mouth while I’m there.”

“They know I tried to kill myself. They know it wasn’t my only attempt. My close family- my siblings and parents, I mean, know everything. The- the number and the drugs and- they know everything.”

“And are you taking the drugs correctly yet?”

“Yeah. I’m trying to, anyway.”

“Trying to?”

“It’s difficult.” James admitted softly.

“That’s why I’m here.”

“It’s not like you live with me though. I-” James sighed. “My family knows you’re a widower. I- that’s the excuse I gave to you not coming up earlier.”

“Okay. So I can still wear my ring.” Thomas’ fingers went to the ring as he spoke and James followed the movement. “That’ll make my life easier.”

“What else would you have done?”

“I don’t know. Maybe took a page out of Hamilton’s book? But I don’t think a necklace suits me.”

“Everything suits you.”

“Oh yeah.” Thomas grinned and James rolled his eyes. “What do you reckon Hamilton will do?”

“About what?”

“Eliza and John. Two perfect choices and yet an impossible one.”

“I- why are we talking about this?”

“I’m curious. You worked with him for a time. You know something about him, so?”

“I don’t know. He always talks about John as if he was perfect but- I don’t think Alexander would abandon his children.”

“But would he stay with a woman he doesn’t love just so his children aren’t bastards as well?” Thomas stirred his drink idly as James stared at him. As the silence stretched Thomas’ gaze flickered up. “What?”

“What’s up with you?”

“What?”

“Ever since John came back you- you’ve been vicious about Hamilton. Nearly getting into fights with him and-”

“I don’t like the man.”

“You don’t know the man.”

“Well just because you decided to fuck him doesn’t mean you do either.” Thomas snapped. He took in a deep breath and shook his head. “I’m sorry. That was- that was cruel.”

James’ jaw was set as he stared at Thomas.

“I thought we agreed to not talk about that?”

“I’m sorry.”

James nodded and looked away. He didn’t like the reminders of what he’d done during his manic phases. Some of it had been innocent enough, just quick flings with people he shouldn’t be having flings with. The fact that Hamilton had become a repetitive one annoyed Thomas in some way he didn’t understand.

He knew that he had no control over who James slept with, just as James had no control over who Thomas slept with. The fact that neither of them had slept with anyone other than each other in two years was surely more of a convenience than anything else.

“James-” Thomas sighed. “How about this, I promise not to say any more dumb stuff for the rest of the hour and we go back to my apartment.”

“Not everything is solved with sex.” James muttered, barely protesting. Thomas smiled.

“But it’s a damn good place to start.”

James couldn’t help his smile.


End file.
